When growing up, certain types of stairs and heights really scared me. Most stairs are more solid, and have something covering the distance between steps, but those are not the ones that terrified me. The ‘floating steps’ seemed as if they would move apart or closer to each other at any time. Combine that with the fear that the gaps between the steps would allow people’s hands to get through and drag me under the step, where I would fall and roll down the stairs. My fear of heights probably steamed from that fear. With heights, I was alright when standing on high solid ground. The fear only comes out when I am high off the ground, and can see what is under me. While I know where my fear of heights came from, I still don’t know why a specific type of stairs would scare me so much when I was younger.
Both fears stayed with me for a long time. Over time, I made attempts to overcome the fear and it took a lot longer for me to finally break free. That did not happen until high school; I really started breaking through the fear because I was really interested in the theater (the plays, dance ensembles, and musicals). While I did not like being on stage, I found that being on the technical crew for the performances were really fun and enjoyable. In the second performance of the school year, they needed a person to run the spotlight. The teacher who was running the show (and did not know about my fears) asked me if I was interested in working more with the lights, so I agreed (not knowing what I was getting myself into). Going up the first time, and walking over the catwalk (where the stage lights and spot light are placed), while being able to see all the chairs under me the first time was really nerve wrecking. I treated it more as a ‘if she can do it, then I can do it too’ moment since there was someone there to show me what is up there, and what I have to do. The first few times going up by myself felt like it took a lot longer than I expected. Climbing up really steep ‘floating stairs’ that you can see through, then passing through furnace room to get to the roof of the building before getting to the squeaky catwalk. After a while (I got to spend a lot of time after school there for a month or two), I started to really enjoy the catwalk. Looking down at the stage gave me an unblocked view of the stage, and because I was so isolated up there, I was given a headset to stay in contact with the stage manager. After running the spotlight that time, I found that I can go up the ‘floating stairs’ and heights were not a problem with me anymore.
I had so much fun that time that I volunteered to run the spotlights when ever needed. Thinking back to it, if the teacher did not ask me to go up there, I would have been missing out on a really interesting learning experience. Going up there taught me a lot about the different lights that are used in a performance, and to challenge myself when possible. After getting that little nudge to face my fears, I was able to find how much I liked working the lights, and got a glimpse into what I was missing because of my fears. Looking back, I am glad that I did not step down from the offer.
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As I was reading your post I tried to determine what was the cave, the puppeteers, etc. It seems to me that the fear was your cave and you were your own puppeteer. You kept yourself in your fear. I believe that your teacher was the thing that broke your bonds. You decided to make the journey but your teacher gave you the opportunity to do so. Your journey was to continue going up the catwalk and your bravery was to do so. The more you journeyed to the top of the catwalk the more your fear ebbed away until it was no longer fear but an obstacle that you overcame. I find it amusing that the lighting of the stage is synonymous with the symbolic light in the allegory. You were climbing up towards the lighting and in the allegory the prisoner is climbing the cave to get to the light. Your story is also a successful story of breaking through the bonds of imprisonment and the long and often scary journey to go towards something new and unfamiliar. You walked out of your comfort zone to achieve "enlightenment." I commend you on overcoming your fear.
ReplyDeleteAs I read it, while there are multiple directions you could take with this essay if you want to write on this topic, they all connect in whatever the root of your fear was. A psychiatrist might ask you if you had any childhood traumas or experiences which made you fear these two phenomena (height and stairs), but at the same time, fears connect to anxieties we are dealing with in our current life too, and that could very well be just as if not more productive to look at.
ReplyDeleteThinking about your fear as a cave, both stairs (particularly the fact that you worried about being attacked through their gaps) and heights gave you phobias because in both situations you were vulnerable to harm from factors that were outside of your own control. You began to overcome those fears when (1) you established conditions for keeping yourself safe, and (2) when you had an end goal or accomplishment.
I bring this up because I'm wondering if these phobias might point to a deeper psychological cave-- areas in your life or growing up where you faced conflicts of vulnerability vs control. As you assume more independence and pursue significant personal interests, are you learning more about how to build on these forms of "enlightenment" to better address other areas of your life where vulnerability and the phobias may affect you?
If you would like to use this essay to explore this subject further, two great movies about phobias come right to mind for me: "Vertigo" and "As Good As It Gets". The main characters in both of these movies have to learn how to face their fears not simply to avoid the specific phobias (height, disorder, etc), but to gain more control over their personal comfort in life and how they relate to other people. For a couple other movies connected to this topic, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" approaches the same kind of phenomenon from the perspective of hypochondria as does (sort of) "Thumbsucker" (which focuses less on the phobia and more on the psychological causes and effects that affect all maturing young adults). Any one of these movies could offer great perspective on your old phobias and could make for a really great essay topic; let me know if you'd like to discuss any of them further.
The first would deal quite literally and directly with the actual phobia of heights and stairs.
Oops, ignore that last line of my first blog response-- I thought I had edited that out.
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